I originally got into the teaching profession because I was told that I was very patient with people as I explained concepts and processes to them. However, when burnout began to set in, I found that patience to be largely a façade. I learned how to appear patient, and I could withhold my own frustration until the end of the period. So when I was about to become a parent for the first time, I did have some concern about how I was going to demonstrate the boundless patience that is the hallmark cliché of parenting.
What I’ve been surprised at is how much more patient I have become since my first child came along. There may be no better gauge of that patience than how infrequently I lose my temper…especially in the presence of a toddler who’s just learning what a temper is.
Other adults who regularly interact with my daughter often comment on how good-tempered and well-mannered she is. I certainly appreciate the compliments, and I’m grateful that she is on her best behavior for company. However, she’s not perfect, and little episodes do occur…generally, when it’s just us around the house. Sometimes, it’s predictable (kicking and screaming about not getting a certain toy or putting on a specific show on the TV), and other times, it seems to come out of nowhere. In either case, it usually winds up being a lousy time for me to have to deal with.
Throughout my life, I have been prone to small temper bursts when inconvenience strikes (traffic issues when I’m running late, a co-worker not doing their job properly, etc.). I don’t think that anyone who knows me well would refer to me as “violent,” but I’ve definitely been guilty of saying the wrong thing now and then---typically out of anger or frustration.
Daniel Goleman’s wonderful book, Emotional Intelligence, was a great resource for me to learn about “re-framing” (essentially, taking a situation that is causing stress or anger and looking at it from another perspective). For example, if a driver cuts you off in traffic, darting from lane to lane at high speed, it would be easy to think “That a$$hole!” That line of thinking leads to you driving more aggressively and being more prone to accidents. Instead, if you choose a different interpretation (ex. “Wow, I’ll bet that guy really has to go to the bathroom.”), you are more likely to smile or laugh. The anger is positively dealt with.
I’ve used the same approach in dealing with my daughter, and it’s resulted in much more patience than I had thought myself capable. I have gotten my brain into the habit of re-framing when my daughter starts to get crabby (let’s say…around dinner time). I may be irritated that she isn’t eating, but as soon as she starts to cry or moan or ask for a snack instead, I become very dispassionate, almost robotically removed from anger. My tone is firm and a little elevated, but I’m not yelling at my daughter. My focus goes from being angry because my dinner is being interrupted to teaching my daughter that her behavior is unacceptable.
It may be easier for a stay-at-home dad to make this quick adjustment since we’re generally “on duty” whenever the children are awake and home. But even for the days when my kids are older and I’m back to working full time, there is a clear motivation in my mind. This motivation is what consistently reminds me of why I need to deal with my anger responsibly. I’m teaching her how to deal with anger.
Now, I’ll never call myself the absolute BEST role model for anger management, but isn’t one of the goals in raising children to make them at least a little better than you? There are some lessons I’ve learned in adulthood about anger, and if I can bestow them on her early, she’ll have a distinct advantage.
One of those lessons is to really think about how to best express anger or frustration. Yelling or throwing a fit (which is done by adults as well as children) may feel satisfying, but it rarely gets the person what they want. If my daughter wants to have a cookie or to watch her favorite show, she can…as long as she realizes which methods of asking get her good results and which ones do not. Sometimes she’ll have to wait…and if she throws a fit…she’ll wait even longer.
Without getting into an extended lecture on “rules for dealing with your anger,” my patience is nourished by the need to acknowledge that this lesson (and others) will not be absorbed quickly. Even though she may express her emotions positively today, she will probably have a mini-tantrum tomorrow. But instead of having thoughts like “I can’t believe she is misbehaving again today,” I re-frame the moment into thoughts of “here’s my opportunity to build on yesterday’s lesson.”
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