Focus on the Small

My employment situation changed radically at about the same time I became a dad.  There wasn’t an A to B relationship; it just worked out that I became unemployed (or more accurately, underemployed) right when my wife finished her maternity leave.  In no way would I call this a “fortunate” turn of events, but I have learned to take something positive from the situation as it relates to my parenting.

Many men (including my own father) have commented on how they envy my opportunity to “be there” for my daughter in these important early years as she transforms from “baby” to “child.”  I appreciate their sentiment; however, my focus here is not on simply “quantity of time” spent with my child.  It’s about trying to live my life more in the moment, taking small amounts of satisfaction for a job well done…even for something rather minor in the “grand scheme of things.”

This sense of satisfaction stemming from day-to-day life was something I noticed even before fatherhood.  Here are a list of mundane, household tasks that give me this feeling of minor accomplishment:

·         Getting caught up on laundry

·         Monitoring online payment of monthly bills

·         Cooking a complete meal for guests (balanced nutrition, using fresh ingredients)

·         Completing a grocery shopping trip (seeing a fully stocked fridge and pantry)

I know what you’re thinking: nobody gets the Nobel Prize for Laundry Completion.  Or, to tap a more contemporary way of thinking: no one gets paid (at least, not very highly) for doing laundry…certainly not their own.  Likewise, I may be a better-than-average cook, but I’m nowhere near the level of a professional chef---so I’m not going to get paid for this talent anytime soon either.  We tend to only focus feelings of accomplishment on tasks or skills that produce MONEY.  As children, most of us were told that money wasn’t the most important thing in life…until we became old enough to get jobs.  But sometimes, it’s healthy to shine the old mental flashlight on things that make us feel good about ourselves that aren’t connected to taxable income.

Applying this concept to day-to-day child-raising is a natural fit.  If you are accustomed to thinking in terms of long-term goals, then you will often lose patience with your child (and your own experience with raising and teaching them).  At our jobs, we tend to think of “finish lines” (planning and executing a meeting or event, submitting a report, sending a company-wide e-mail, etc.).   With parenting, your child may pee on the potty one day and then soil themselves the next 3 days.  If you can let go of that disappointment (by expecting a few steps back for every step forward), then you can begin to enjoy the little moments of brilliance.

For example, my wife and I would like our daughter to learn to eat three meals a day.  Seems like a modest enough goal toward her socializing with other humans, right?  We’ve always made meal time clearly known (we try not to just put food out while she’s watching TV too often).  But of late, she has rebelled against dinner.  Not sure why…could be the kind of food (I can relate---it’s hard to top breakfast)…could be the darkness (thanks to the shortness of winter days)…could be that it’s a sign that bedtime isn’t far off.

So even though she, in the past, has eaten (and liked) all of the foods we offer, she has decided not to eat at dinner time.  A regression, to be sure.  However, my momentary flash of personal satisfaction came when I heard her say---after firmly waving away any meat, sweet potatoes, green veggies, etc.---“no food, no milk.”  This is the same sentence I would say as a threat (if she didn’t eat dinner, she could expect no treat later), and she had learned that it would be voiced when she chose not to eat.

Once I got past the frustration of her not eating, I had to smile at the fact that she at least understood the consequences of her actions.  She was taking a stand---perhaps even testing Mommy and Daddy’s resolve---and was perfectly willing to take her punishment.  Does she still ask for milk later in the evening?  Sure.  But when she gets the “no” answer, she doesn’t throw a fit…

Now is the lesson fully taught yet?  No…she still isn’t eating dinner.  But I can take some personal satisfaction of having given her a boundary and observing her respect it.

They don’t learn to walk every day.  But sometimes, it just feels good to get the laundry done.