The older I get, the more I value my close friendships. I am fortunate to have several guy friends---many of whom I’ve known since school age---achieve the level of “honorary brother.” Another categorical description might be “people who you call in the middle of the night when you need someone to post bail,” (no, I’ve never been arrested, but it’s good to have a few of these on retainer).
I do subscribe to the idea that your spouse should be your best friend and am happy to report that it’s true in my case. Fortunately, the addition of my wife has not caused me to sacrifice my longtime friends. Since I didn’t get married until my mid-thirties, most of my life’s big events have centered on good times spent with these people (New Year’s Eves, camping trips, concerts, etc.). I must admit, though, that marriage and fatherhood has created an important period of change in my relationships with them.
Crossing the Threshold
It’s a common experience among men that when one of us gets married, the remaining single guys lament, “Oh well, we’ve lost another one.” I remember being among those “remaining” single guys…and seeing even less of those married guys when children entered the picture.
Of course, I promised myself that this would never happen to me…that when I eventually got married and had kids, I would do a better job of maintaining my friendships than my predecessors had (naïve, right?). I am in my fourth year of marriage, third year of parenthood, and first year of having multiple kids. And I see the landscape of my friendships changing.
Sure, the wedding itself (and, of course, the bachelor party) was an awesome time to share with those closest to me (family and friends). It’s sadly ironic that I can now pop on my wedding video and see old friends that I’ve only seen once or twice since that day. They were important enough to me to invite them to my wedding, right? So where are they now?
Now that I have crossed the threshold of marriage, I recognize some tangible reasons why I don’t see my single and/or childless friends as much as I once did:
· My interest in hanging out at bars has diminished – Why does anyone pay $7/beer at a bar when they can buy a six-pack for the same money? The answer is: you can’t meet women by drinking alone in your home. But once you’re not looking to find a date, going to the bar makes less and less sense to me (unless there’s karaoke).
· My childless friends aren’t that interested in hanging out at my house – I’ve moved a little further away, but distance isn’t the biggest barrier. When you come to my house, all activities revolve around the children. This won’t always be the case (when the kids are older, they’ll be able to play with less supervision), but there’s no escaping it right now. It’s hard to hang out when you have to keep the volume down, drink less, censor your conversation topics, etc.
· Conversation with them isn’t as fluid – A good friend is someone with whom you have natural rapport; talk just flows naturally. But right now, my kids take up about 70% of my brain activity, and I don’t want to be one of “those people” who talk about nothing but their kids (regardless of how adorable and wonderful they are). My single friends do make a conscious point to ask how the wife and kids are, but I don’t want to overwhelm the conversation with that stuff.
· I can’t party as late as I used to – I’m just damn tired most of the time. These late-night feedings are kicking my behind…and that’s combined with a toddler who doesn’t want to go to sleep and can’t wake up early enough; therefore, I walk around like a semi-lucid zombie most of the time. So even when I can find a night to go out and hang with the guys, I start to over-ripen by about 12-1am.
· Neither my friends nor I are big “phone-chatty” people – To me, the phone is for making plans. I don’t like spending a half hour on the phone “catching up” with people. And even if I was a long phone call kind of guy, who can devote 30 minutes to a phone call anymore?
My Married with Children Cohorts
The above reasons have made maintaining friendships with much of the old crowd a lot harder. Subtract get-togethers and phone calls from the relationship, and all of a sudden, someone who was a weekly fixture in your life becomes someone you may run into only twice a year. Fortunately, not all of my old close friends are in that group.
I was very lucky to have several of my best friends become coupled up, get married, and have their first children within a year of when I did. All the wives get along well (a luxury, to be sure), and now, our group of friends has the added benefit of providing our children with their own first friends. Our regular late-night parties have simply morphed into family friendly sleepovers or fresh air excursions.
These changes have done nothing but enrich my life. It’s nice to have other guys I know who are going through the same things at about the same time. If one of my friends has an argument with his wife, I can be a more helpful sounding board. When I found out that my oldest daughter had allergies, it was just in time for me to advise a friend on seeing a pediatric allergist for his son. One of my other friends recently had his second son, so I’ll have a confidant in the More Than One Kid Club.
(Abbreviated) Tale of Two Friendships
One of my best friends, Ralph, is someone who I’ve known since elementary school. A lot of my childhood memories (playing video games, Boy Scout camping trips, coping with bullies, etc.) include him. In elementary and middle school, we’d go to the arcade together, get pizza after school, hang out at each other’s houses until one of our moms would drive us home, normal kid stuff. We were close friends through high school when we began to drift apart, moving with different crowds. Our story could have ended there, as so many childhood friendships become little more than wistful, nostalgic memories.
Thankfully, we reconnected when I got back from college. It was a chance encounter at a party that, surprisingly, rekindled our friendship. We were back to having regular phone calls and chances to hang out---doing more adult things, but maintaining that childhood element of fun. I then realized that strong friendships can be built on something as simple as common history (there are very few people who have known me as well or for as long). There’s a great comfort in hanging out with someone when there is no pretense, no planning necessary.
Through Ralph, I got to meet someone who became another close friend. I agreed to manage his band for a couple of years, and I got to know the other guys in the group. Carlos, the band’s founder, seemed genuinely appreciative of my efforts to organize and promote the band, and we also had similar senses of humor. Ralph and Carlos had a natural rapport (with some good-natured bickering thrown in) that I felt very comfortable with as well. Carlos eventually went from being just a “friend of a friend” to being someone I invited to be part of my wedding party (joining only four other guys who I had known for many years longer).
Now here’s where the paths diverge.
Carlos got married and had his first child within the same year as me. Ralph, though he has been in a committed relationship for several years, is still living the no-child lifestyle that I had long enjoyed (but peacefully said goodbye to). Now, it’s unusual for a week to go by without talking to or seeing Carlos and his family (if only through the endless cycle of kids’ birthday parties). Ralph, on the other hand, seems to be fading into the woodwork right now.
I don’t have anger about it, and I do not blame him for the situation. When I was in that position, I was plenty guilty of losing track of friends who were married with kids. I can’t blame someone for having a job, a girlfriend, regular music gigs, and an active social life…any more than he could blame me for getting married and having kids. The problem, as I see it, is that we became very used to having such an easygoing, effortless friendship. But now, if we want to hold on to it, we will both need to make more effort. And if the friendship is worth saving (which I think this is), then it will happen…eventually.
As a closing thought, I must acknowledge that all these observations are coming from a fairly new father. When all of my kids are 8-10 years older (and reasonably self-sufficient), maybe my life will open back up again and allow more and differing opportunities for hanging out with the guys. Will it go back to the way it was? Will it be something entirely different?
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